A Rite of Passage

A Rite of Passage

We make choices all the time.
But there are moments when the choice seems bigger, creating a bigger impact on your life. And there are moments when your choice as a parent may create a big impact on your child.
These moments are scary, nerve-wracking. More so if it's a moment for your child.

I had a moment like this.
This morning.

We've all been under the weather. Today was my turn. I just wanted to stay in bed. My throat hurt. My nose was congested. My head throbbed. But I had to get up and get DS ready for school.

Since he started school, we (DD2 in the stroller and DD1 walking alongside us) had been walking him to the school pavilion where the kids meet. When the bell rings, the teacher lines them up and they all walk together to their classroom. Since day 1, we would wait for DS to line up and leave before we go back to the car and leave ourselves.

Today, I did not feel like doing that. I did not feel like getting dressed, nicely enough to be seen in public. I did not feel like getting my 2 girls out of their pj's. I just wanted to get back in bed.

So, I asked DS if it was okay if I just dropped him off at the gate so he could walk himself to the pavilion. It's right off the gate. I can watch him sit on the benches with his class before I drive off. He thought about it. And said yes. Nonchalantly! Not a big deal. I asked him if he knew where he needed to go. He said yes. Of course, he knew! He looked at me like I was asking him the silliest question in the world. He said he'll look for his friends Justin & Joseph and sit with them. Ok. He had a plan. I asked if he knew where to line up when the bell rang. With his teacher, of course! He looked up and shook his head as if asking me to stop with this silly nonsense. (What? I'm getting the rolling of the eyes already?)

So, okay. I was nervous. What if he could not find his friends? What if he lined up with the wrong class?( He had done this 2 weeks prior. He lined up with the 1st graders. I had to run and pull him off the line and take him to his class which by then was walking away already.) What if...?

But I put on a brave face, of course. One thing I learned when I was teaching was that kids easily sense their parents' emotions. When they sense anxiety, they tend to take that in and become anxious themselves. I did not want to do that to DS. He was confident. I wanted to be confident too.

As we pulled into the drop off area, I opened the car door and let DS out. He put on his backpack. Gave me a kiss and hug. Then ran off into the gate towards his class. I could not linger. There was a line of cars behind me waiting.
So, I pulled out.
Then, I cried.
Yes, I cried. (And tears are welling up in my eyes right now)
I don't know why I cried.
Perhaps because this was a moment? A moment of change?
He may not remember this at all.
But I will.
My whole life.
The moment I let him go.
A rite of passage for me.