Meltdown

Meltdown

I had a meltdown yesterday - of nuclear proportions!
It was just a bad day.
It really didn't start out that way. The morning went by just fine. I had a friend come over and visit and it sort of threw off the day's routine for my darling DD1. She is such a creature of habit, I tell you. My friend stayed for a bit and DD1 did not get to take her nap before picking up DS from school. I sort of knew it most probably was going to be a problem but was really hoping deep inside that she wouldn't be a problem.
But guess what? She was cranky and whiny and crying and bratty and just could not be talked to in any way at all! Since I could not figure out what she wanted. Since I was getting frustrated myself. Since my head was starting to hurt from all the crying... I walked away. I hoped she would get tired and stop. But she did not. She went on and on like a siren. waaaahhhh.... waahhhhhh....wahhhh....
It got to me. Nakakatureteng pakinggan. Ang sakit sa ulo. And of course, the other 2 kids were vying for my attention too. DD2, my little miss copycat, starting howling too when DD1 was screaming and howling. Aaaahhhhhh... Nakakaloka!
I still managed to get dinner to the table. DD1 had simmered down a bit by then. She looked tired. I asked her if she wanted to eat or just go to bed and sleep. She opted for the latter. So up to her room she went. I think this was the first time any of my kids went to bed without dinner. At that point, I was not about to argue about dinner. We've always had this rule anyway - if you don't want to eat your dinner, you can go ahead and skip it but you can't have anything else to eat. They've tested me on that a couple of times before but they always ended up eating their dinner. Mga takot magutom!
Where is my DH during all this?
In school of course.
I was really trying to get things together before he arrived home because I knew he had a long day. He pulled an all-nighter the night before studying for his exam. I just wanted to rest when he got home. Unfortunately, when he walked in, he asked how I was and commented that I looked tired. My shoulders started shaking. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I told him I could not talk because I would cry if I did.
I started crying anyway.
All night!
Nothing got done that night.
because all I did was cry.
I stopped eventually because there were no more tears left, but my heart continued to cry.
I cried because I hated how I was. I felt like a monster lashing out at my kids.
I cried because I felt overwhelmed.
I cried because I was afraid. If 3 kids can bring out this kind of monster in me, imagine how 4 kids would affect me.
I cried because I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do. I was having another kid.
I cried because I realized that I had accepted this pregnancy but have not embraced it. Not yet. And I don't know if I ever will.
I cried.
And I cried.
And I continue to cry.
But I'm tired now.
I do not like who I am at this point.
My tears have stopped.
But my heart continues to cry.
The immediate mess of my meltdown has been cleared.
But I shudder at the effects I may have caused.