Back to the beginning: Bring courtship back into your marriage

Back to the beginning: Bring courtship back into your marriage

Someone had sent this article to me. It's by Rick Warren of the Purpose-Driven Life fame.It's a little long but well-worth the read. A nice reminder for those of us who've settled into an unhealthy boring routine.

Back to the beginning
Bringing courtship back into your marriage
February 14, 2006 - by Rick Warren

Did you know that God intended for your marriage to be full of romance, physical affection, sex, fun, and playfulness? It’s true. When God planned your marriage, he planned for the two of you to enjoy each other.

Some people think that courtship ends with the exchanging of rings. But that’s wrong. Proverbs 5:19 tells us to, “Let your mate’s affection fill you at all times with delight.” Note the words “at all times.” That means you’re to be affectionate before the wedding, during the wedding, and after the wedding-at all times. You’re to continually work to keep the courtship alive. If there was more courting in marriages, they’d be fewer marriages in court. The problems come when you stop doing the things you did in the beginning to win your mate’s love. Those were the things that drew your mate, and those are the things that will keep your love alive. If you want romance in your marriage, you’ve got to keep on dating your mate.

Ladies, it might help for you to understand a little bit about the nature of men. By design, men are achievement-oriented. They naturally set goals. That’s what they did when they saw you: they decided they wanted you in their life, they set a goal to win you, and then they plotted and enacted their strategy, which included a lot of activities foreign to men. They wooed you with flowers, candy, maybe a trip to the opera-all sorts of things they would never do unless they were in the midst of a strategic operation. But the moment the two of you married, they subconsciously thought, “Mission accomplished! Now it’s on to the next goal.” The next goal is usually, “How can I provide for this woman I love and the family we’re going to raise?” At that point, the man takes all the energy he used to expend on wooing you, and uses it to become a success at his job. In his mind, he’s providing for his family. It seems like a natural choice to him.

But wives don’t see it that way. Wives don’t understand the sudden turn of events. “What happened?” she wonders. “Where did my knight in shining armor go? Where’s my candy, my kisses? Now all I get is burps and gas. What on earth happened?” While the man is thinking, “See how much I love you?” the wife is suffering from intense feelings of rejection.

It’s obvious that we don’t think alike. But that doesn’t change the fact that a marriage that’s lacking in romance is a marriage that will ultimately suffer.

Part of the problem with romance is that husband and wives tend to see each other during the absolute worst parts of the day. They see each other in the morning when there’s a big rush to get dressed, eat a quick bite, and get out the door. That can be a stressful time-and that’s the last impression you leave on each other before going your separate ways. Then, at the end of the work day, you come back together again. Now you’re both exhausted, with nothing left to give each other. You’ve given your best all day. In essence, all you have to offer the most important person in your life is whatever energy you have left over after you’ve given your best to others. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to either of you.

Something has to change. Ecclesiastes 9:9 tells us plainly that we’re to “Enjoy life with your mate whom you love.” In the Hebrew, that literally says, “with your wife,” but I think it applies both ways. We need to date our mate. We need to make that relationship a priority. You do this by becoming best friends with one another and making the effort to have fun together. Too often, what happens between couples is that the longer you’re married, the more you tend to share the chores and the less you tend to share the joys. If you don’t reverse that tendency and develop common interests together, your relationship could easily become boring.

Some will argue, “That’s impossible! We have nothing in common!” Of course you don’t. What do you think attracted you to each other? It was all the differences you saw in each other. Before marriage, opposite attract. After marriage, opposites attack. All those things you thought were unique and cute and interesting-all those things that caught your attention-now irritate the socks off you, because you’re around them all the time.

When you look at your relationship and conclude that you have nothing in common with your mate, then the answer is to create common interests. Find something you can enjoy together. Develop a common interest around something that seems interesting to you. Make a list of fun things that you could learn to do together. Maybe it’s scuba diving. Maybe it’s photography, or sailing, or just a simple art class. It takes a tiny bit of effort to settle on a new common interest, but it’s worth that effort. If you don’t do it, your marriage could very likely go stale. You must intentionally develop interests and activities that you both will like to do-things you can do together that will be enjoyable to you both.

The healthiest thing you could do for your marriage is to evaluate yourself on how well you court your mate. If, after looking over your relationship, you say, “Courtship is non-existent in my marriage. I’m just too busy to work at putting fun and romance in our relationship,” give yourself a 1. If, however, you say, “I still write love notes to my husband/wife,” give yourself an 8. If you say “We schedule a weekly date away from the children” give yourself a 10.

You can start this week. Start right now. It is the perfect opportunity to bring the spice and zest back into your marriage.

Let the courtship begin!