The struggle

The struggle

What do you do when life throws you a curveball?
What do you do when your plans don't exactly happen as you planned them?
Roll with the punches.
Go with the flow.
Easier said than done, of course.

What do you do when God's will and plan is different from your own will and plans?
What do you do when He is leading you down a path you do not want to go?
I know what I should do.
Yet, my heart is stubborn.
My mind tells me to simply surrender to the Lord's will. He has never let me down before. He has never led me astray. To surrender will spare me from more pain and anguish, tears and heartache. It is my stubbornness that is causing me pain, I know. It is my unwillingness to let go that is keeping my hands bound, my fists clenched.
I know it is useless to resist. I know the path has been laid out. There is no other path to walk upon. I know I will have to surrender sooner or later.
Why then do I continue to resist? Why then do I subject myself to anguish? Why do I not surrender sooner rather than later?
My human fraility. At no other time have I felt its grip on me as strongly as it does now.
I am defiant. I am stubborn. And I know it.
It is a shameful thing, I know.

My mom once said that life with Jesus does not travel down a linear path. Rather, the path is more cyclical. You go through the same issues over and over again, even when you thought you had conquered it before.
I will have to agree.
I look at myself and ask,
"Haven't we been here before?"
"Did we not go through the exact same struggle?"
"Did we not find peace when we finally stopped resisting and allowed God to take charge?"
I am sure some friends are now shaking their heads, remembering those times past.
I am shaking my head, in disbelief that I am back where I was when I thought I had conquered this already.
I thought I had really learned to let God run my life.
I thought I was already totally dependent on God.
But I guess not.
There is always something new to learn. Or in this case, something to re-learn.
One bright spot is the thought that I had once emerged from this victorious. With God's patience and unconditional love, He coaxed me out of my hole and allowed me to bask in the light of His love and peace.
I see a speck of light in the horizon. A tiny light but a light nonetheless.
I am still hesitant to reach for it, preferring the confines of my dark and damp hole.
But that light is my hope. That I can now see it means I am making my way out of the hole. That I can now see it means the light is starting to break through all the dirt I've surrounded myself with.

Psalm 139:1, 7-12
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.