Sharing my burden

Sharing my burden

Okay, so I've decided to share with you what's been bugging me these past 2 months. I feel ambivalent about what I'm about to do.

On one hand, I hope that articulating all my fears and worries and all the negativity will help me move past them and embrace the circumstance I find myself in.
On the other hand, I am fearful that when you read the reason for my "depression", you'll slap me in the face, shake your head and wonder out loud how I could be so self-possessed as to be "depressed" about such a thing. Because sometimes, I think I have blown this wayyyyy out of proportion. I think that I may be overly dramatic about it. I think that I cannot feel the way I do.

That was quite a lengthy intro, huh?
Well, you see...
I'm pregnant with my 4th child. I was at the doctor's yesterday and I am about 12 weeks along.

To say that this was quite a surprise would be an understatement. I thought I was really done after the 3rd.

So many thoughts and worries and fears occupy my mind. It seems that however way I look at it, this isn't the best time to have a baby.

And I was really( and I continue to be) hesitant to tell people that I'm expecting again. So far, with the people we've told, I feel the news hasn't been met with genuine happiness for us. Their response have generally been tempered with concern and reservation. While I know that their concern and reservation are most probably coming from a good place (they know me and know that I am probably sick with anxiety), it does not do me any good in terms of building my confidence. (And maybe their acceptance of the news reflects my reserved way of sharing the news?) Of course, there is the requisite (but true) assurances that this is a gift from God... Each child is a precious gift... No life is an accident... All life is willed by God. I KNOW all that. How many times have I heard it said? I've said it myself a million times. But that is not what I need. I need people around me to be genuinely happy for me. And I feel that is something that I cannot feel at the moment. When I see the concern in their faces and the reservation in their voices, my own fears and anxieties are magnified. If they are that concerned about this journey my family is embarking on, can you imagine what I am feeling? I am in the midst of this journey.

Some others, with good intentions, ask me what method of family planning we use or if we even thought about famly planning. Believing that natural family planning is the right thing for us, we have opted not to use any artificial means of contraception. I am sure they mean well when they remark that I might have made miscalculations or misread some signs. But with each remark, I feel a judgement even when this was not their intention. I feel that in pointing out where I may have made the mistake, I have been judged. I got pregnant because I messed up. I got pregnant because I made a mistake. I got pregnant because I was not being sexually responsible.

And I do wonder, often. I ask myself, "Was I irresponsible that's why I got pregnant?" DH and I have a healthy marital relationship, and of course, an aspect of this relationship is healthy sexual intimacy. But I'd like to believe that we continue to be chaste even in marriage. We do not always act on our urges. We abstain when it was not "safe". But I continue to wonder, "Is this pregnancy a mistake I could have avoided?" DH assures me that no life is a mistake. DH tells me that I should move past this thought. How can I when I feel like even people around us are not fully supportive?

DH says I worry too much about what other people think. He is right. I should be more concerned about what God thinks about me, right? I laughingly tell DH that when God asked me to bear much fruit for Him, I did not realize that He meant that literally! But what if that is really what He wants me to do for His kingdom - that I bear children and raise them to be God-fearing individuals? Not a very glamorous calling, I must admit. Rather ordinary. But I guess that is what most people are called to. Most of us are called to live our ordinary lives simply to give glory to our Heavenly Father.