How do you fight?

How do you fight?

Are you the I’ll scream, you’ll scream and let it all out type of fighter?
Are you the argue, argue then walk away type?
Or the argue, let’s talk about this and resolve it now type?
Or maybe you’re the cold shoulder, ignore the other type?

Are there any more types of fighters out there?

I ask, because DH and I have become the fourth type I mentioned. We do the cold shoulder thing when we fight or disagree about something. But I know I did not start out that way. I think I used to insist that we talk and resolve it or at least talk about what’s bugging us type when I came into this marriage. I know we talked a lot when we weren’t married yet. We had to. It was a long-distance thing for us. We had to communicate. We promised that we’d always talk to each other even when we’re fighting. We even had 2 rules for fighting – No cursing or name calling. No threats of splitting up or leaving.

We kept these 2 rules. But somehow, during the course of our marriage and the arrival of 3 tykes, our mode of fighting changed. I soon learned that DH (like many men, I suppose) retreat into himself when he is upset and gets more upset when he is nagged into talking. I made that mistake once and it was ugly, I tell you. So, when I knew he was upset with me, I would give him space and let him be. The hard thing about that is I would have to always feel him out if he was still upset or not. It felt like I was always tiptoeing around him, making sure I did not upset him any further. Plus, we never really got around to talking about what upset him anymore. It seemed like we never really “fought”. When an argument was looming or just started, we’d shut off and go our separate ways. After the cloud had passed, we’d be back as if nothing happened. Not very healthy, I know.

However, I think we took a major step towards a healthier relationship during our last “fight”. He was upset with me and had ignored me for several days. I was upset with him because I thought he was being obnoxious and that I deserved better treatment from him. How could he ignore me that long?!?!

We finally talked. And how we talked! We talked for 2 hours, I think. We talked and talked until there wasn’t anything else we could say. And when no more words came, we held each other. We clung to each other to express what our words could not say. And it felt good.

And then he said, “Next time I pull away, nag me. Insist that we talk, ok?”

Is this for real?
Is my man giving me permission to nag him into talking?
We’ll see how that pans out in the future.
But I do sense that this was a major step in building a healthier & stronger marriage.

How about you?
How do you fight?