Today I turn 30

Today I turn 30

Today I turn 30, the big 3-0 as they say. The past week, I've been having some sort of birthday blues, as I am wont to have this time of the year. Does the blues feel different due to this milestone? No... it feels like any other year.
I feel inadequate as a mom.
I feel inept as a housewife.
I feel like a fraud, pretending to know how to live this life but really just pretending.
But mostly, I feel alone. I miss having friends around me, celebrating me on my birthday. You see, I moved here almost 6 years ago. I left behind my family and all my cherished friends. And since then, I have not found friends like those back home in the Philippines. Maybe that's my folly - looking for friends who are like my "old" friends. That's probably an impossible task as they cannot be duplicated. But the sentiment is there - I want good friends, girl friends.
Is this my curse as a young mom of 3? Many of my contemporaries/friends are still single or newly-married without kids. They live single lives. While they can go for a quick coffee at the drop of the hat, I have to look for someone to watch 3 kids weeks in advance before I can even have coffee. While they can go have dinner in a restaurant at a moment's notice, I have to decide where in our tight budget this expense can be deducted and then finally realize we cannot afford it.
In the past year, I've met a couple of mothers who I've come to consider as friends. But these relationships are very new, needing more nurturance and love and growth. But I am hopeful that we will create lasting friendships and I can say that I have finally found the friends I have been looking for.
Maybe this time next year, I will not have the blues or at least have a shoulder to cry on as I am having my blues.

I know why I feel alone. I know why I feel disconnected. It is much more than the reasons above.
I feel alone because I've stopped praying.
I feel alone because I've stopped listening to my God.
I feel alone because I've been listening to "poor old me."

But as I reflect now, and look back at my 30 years, I can say I have more or less lived a full life. I have built a family. I have a wonderful husband and 3 loving children. While others fret about finding a mate, I am securely in my husband's arms. While others worry about their biological clocks ticking, I am in the midst of my 3 children as they relish each day that comes. And while others desperately look for meaning in their lives, I have found the Lord at a young age and I am secure in His love and care for me. And I willingly abandon myself to His will and plans because I have learned time and time again that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Sure, my life is not perfect. I wish for so many other things that I do not and cannot have. But I realize now that I have been blessed. So time to get off my pity parade and celebrate my life. If no one is going to throw me a party, I'll throw one for myself. I am special. I am blessed. I should celebrate.

So, thank you for reading through my rants. I don't know if I've made sense to you. But in allowing myself to speak of my pains, I discovered that my life has more joy than sorrow, more laughter than tears, more blessings than curses.

Happy Birthday to me.