Break the will without breaking the spirit

Break the will without breaking the spirit

I read the following entry at Janet Phillips' blog. And she said it so eloquently that I bookmarked it. I'm posting it an excerpt here so I will always have a reminder. Break the will without breaking the spirit. So often, I feel like I've broken their spirits too in my desire to break their will.

"I think that is one of the hardest, and yet one of the most important, aspect of parenting. I think the best piece of parenting advice I was ever given (and I think it was on the radio!) was to "break the will without breaking the spirit." Not easy....but oh so worth it! A child's will (the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions) is not developed. It is completely self centered and focused only on doing what seems good at the moment. As we mature, it is hoped that we learn to look beyond ourselves and beyond the momentary want. Not that we always do it, but it comes much more naturally (or practiced) to us.

The will is a dangerous thing...left unchecked and tamed and the child grows up to be just as self-centered and focused on instant gratification as he/she is when she is two. Not really a pretty picture. An adult who looks nothing to the needs of others and can't see how the decision we make today won't look as nice tomorrow. The will needs to be tamed. And as a parent, it is our job to do it.

Some parents are severely lacking in this area and others seem to have mastered it. However, as a parent, breaking the will is not the only factor here. We probably have all seen families whose children obey immediately and look like little robots. While I am sure it is nice to have at times, they have missed an important factor -- the need to break the will without breaking the spirit. The spirit (the principle of conscious life; the vital principle in humans, animating the body or mediating between body and soul) is who the child is. It is the unique and amazing characteristics within each child who makes them what they are. It is the personality, the temperament, the likes, the dislikes, the things that stir them to emotion and action. It is what they love and what makes them...well, just them. It is a dangerously thin line between the will and the spirit. The will acts off the spirit...pushing it to think, "Hey, I love ___________....oh, there's that ____________ I want it, I need it, I'll do whatever it takes to have it...." As I said earlier, the will in a child is not matured. We cannot all go around saying and thinking that just because *I* want something, it should be mine.

So as parents, one of our highest aims is to break the spirit without breaking the will. NOT easy to do. How do we get our children to do what we ask (and hopefully all our request to our children are for their benefit or the benefit of others and not just out of laziness or some other self-motivated thought) and still let them be completely them? I want my children to obey -- obedience is necessary for all of life and for Christians, necessary before God. But I want to create an environment where they can obey and still be themselves. I am sure I could turn my children into obedient robots. Would I want to do that? Of course not. But you know what? Parenting this way takes time. And patience. And understanding. And wisdom. And a whole lot of prayer. It also means parenting each of your children differently -- what is best for one child could be detrimental to another child. They have such unique little personalities and different things can bring them into tears or a fit of laughter. To parent your children differently requires even MORE time, patience, understanding, wisdom, and prayer. The end results, however, will show that our time and prayers were not misplaced. To have a child who behaves, who obeys, and respects others and yet is full of life and energy, and enthusiasm cannot be underestimated."